I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
