I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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