Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
