im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
