u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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