Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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