My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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