my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
