I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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