You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
