I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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