saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
