I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
