Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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