Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
