I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
