Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
