Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
