And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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