Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
