Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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