The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
