I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
