Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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