There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
