There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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