I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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