i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
