I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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