I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
