I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
