I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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