She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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