So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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