Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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