Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
