My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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