My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
