I could make wine with my vomit
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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