Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
