Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.