Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires