she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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