I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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