im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
