last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
