dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
