I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
