That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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