Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
