Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
