ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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