I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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