the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
love makes seman taste better
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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