Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
