A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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