He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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