God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
