i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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