How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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