you would pick up someone in the library
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
not ubering you a puppy
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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