so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
