Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
