Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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